1: The Radical Honesty Project MANIFESTO

Who am I?

My name is Johanne Lila Larsen. I was born a woman 41 years ago in Denmark, Europe. I'm a journalist from the Danish School of Journalism, self-taught photographer, mainly doing family photojournalism (when I can. Mostly I'm chronically ill with concussion, 11 years and counting). But this is not about any of that.

Here, I write about suicide; mine and others (more below). And about being a pilgrim with no end date: I left it all behind to survive suicide as best I can - by following the calling in my heart. By finally listening to me. Along the way I hope to speak to others who have been there (don't hesitate to reach out if that might be you). Together I believe we can change the harsh taboo surrounding the topic of suicide. I hope that by being vulnerable and completely honest myself, I open a door for others to find a space open for this to happen in them as well. And maybe even talk about it. I do believe that is life saving business right there.

Leaving it all behind

Here's the deal:

I have left it all behind to head out in the world indefinitely. I started in June 2017, the first six months happened in the US, finishing in Santiago de Compostella in Spain, the end station for my first pilgrimage as well. Right now I am in Madrid, Spain. Next up is India.

Basically I walked the Camino de Santiago in the fall of 2016, and I just couldn't return to 'normal life' after. I had to continue the walk. So:

I sold my apartment back in Copenhagen, Denmark in Feb. 2017.

Then all that anyone would buy, gave a ton of stuff away (like the couch!), put the sorry rests in storage, and got myself a one way ticket out. 

Just me. No husband or wife, no children, no family, no cute dog. No car, no trailer van, not even a bike. Just me and a backpack; small enough to fit into overhead luggage on a plane. All I own on the road I can carry on my own body. I’m not young. I’m really ill (the chronic concussion), and I'm not made of gold. I’m a mess of anxiety. I’m doing it anyway :)
 

Why?

Suicide
 

Because 10 years ago I died. Yes. Really. It was suicide. And it has taken me all those years to figure out what that means to me. And I’m not there yet. But I do know now that it means I need to do this: Leave it all behind and be completely honest about why.

I have been speaking up very publicly in my native Denmark about suicide for years now. I have been in the national papers, television, radio and in a wonderfully open minded women’s magazine. 

Always with the same message: Stop shaming suicide. Please. It is helping no one. 

I do not advocate suicide I do not urge people to take their own lives – obviously. I do not talk about it for attention or to wallow in despair. I am open about what happened to me to shine a light on the fact that this topic is so steeped in shame and taboo that what people hold as facts almost always are very damaging misconceptions instead. 

That it literally means lives lost, because those who could have benefited from help don’t dare ask for it, because they are too ashamed to speak up. I advocate starting to listen instead of passing judgement. I advocate kindness and empathy. And facts. For me I was met with silence from the beginning. I don’t want that for anybody else. But I also want people to remember that words matter. Exchanging silence for words of shaming isn’t the answer. Exchanging silence for words of compassion saves lives.

I have for a long time felt I wasn’t doing enough. 

So in the spring of 2017 I began a personal photographic project visiting others affected by suicide and photographing them while hearing their stories. I want it to become an exhibit one day so others can see that we are simply people just like anybody else. But who have faced pain of a scale that made our rational brain short circuit to make it stop. Some lived, others didn’t. Our voices matter. I hope there will be people out there to listen. 

That is The Radical Honesty Project. Because in a world where suicide is met with a wall of silence, daring to speak openly about it is a radical act. 

And I so very deeply believe it is needed. I can't count the number of times I have been called selfish or a drama queen with no heart for those left behind. Evil even. And I do understand how some might think like this. But PLEASE hear me: THIS IS THE TABOO SPEAKING. THIS IS NOT REALITY. No one commits suicide to hurt their family. They do because they themselves are in such massive pain - on a level you have got to start respecting that you simply do not have the capacity to truly understand if you believe they would commit suicide to hurt anyone else. They are people in insurmountable pain. They reached for a way out. Let's stop adding to that pain both for them but their families too, by putting them down on top of that. Really. It helps no one.

But if I ask others to share their most vulnerable self – who am I if I do not do the same?

This is how this new project was born. I call it The Radical Honesty Project on Tour. As I head out on this journey I will be sharing here. In this space it will be mine. The story of suicide, and of how you live with that, and how you try to survive –and simply, deeply live. Turns out I really couldn't stop talking even if I tried!

I don’t share my challenges for anyone to feel sorry for me. I share them because they serve as a back drop to look at what we can do even faced with obstacles. The point is not my challenges. The point is I’m doing all of this despite them. The point is so can you. 

I do not wallow in the darkness. I stand in it without willing it different. I believe that when we allow what is, even when it’s hard, there is room also for all of the light on a truer, deeper level.

In the end the conversation about death is ultimately ALWAYS a conversation about life. For all of us. 

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I want to create a safe space here for all who have been through suicide as well. I want you to feel met here, not judged, mirrored. Here you are simply a human being. You were in pain. You needed to get out of it. Desperately. That’s it.

But this is also very much for anyone who feel the need to go deeper in life. 

To look at what is below the surface level. To look beyond expectations on how to look, be, live. I do not care about your high powered job, I do not care if you went to a fancy school, I do not care if you are famous or if your clothes are a certain brand or your jewelry is very expensive. I care if you have lived through the dark nights of the soul and have come back out with a deeper understanding of what it means to be a human being. I care if you don’t judge addicts and street workers. I care if you do good, not because you *have* to, but because you know now that it is the responsibility of every single one of us to help grow the light in the world and beyond brighter.

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I am leaving it all behind, because *this* is how I survive suicide.

Because I want to find out how I live better to hopefully avoid standing there again.

I do so by talking about what happened to me openly.

By bringing awareness to a topic seeped in such shame most people can’t say the word; suicide.

By pointing to the possibility of approaching this issue with humility, empathy and a listening ear more than anything else. Instead of condemnation and shame, which ultimately every day leads to actual loss of human lives.

By exploring how to live, by exploring what is holding me back, but also what makes me content and at peace. 

By knowing that the personal is not personal at all; my experiences might mirror somebody elses, and I share them openly so others out there know they are not the only one’s thinking and feeling and dreaming like they do. I believe in me sharing myself, the life I do have might touch others hopefully to do good, to lessen shame, to widen the room for truth and light.

I might still die by suicide. It is contrary to popular belief not something I can just chose to do or not do. 

But if that is where this life ends for me, at least no one can come to my casket and say ‘if only she had tried harder’.

THIS is me trying my hardest. This is me living the fullest and biggest and loudest and most honest I know how. 

This is also a pilgrimage. I go out to go in. I long to walk deeper with God/The Universe/the Divine Mother/The Source/whatever feels comfortable to you. In the end that is the only thing that makes sense to me at all. Giving up my worldly belongings just happened to me, but it is part of the ancient call of the pilgrim; leaving worldly belongings behind to walk deeper with what calls in the soul.

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This is The Radical Honesty Project. I believe being radically honest – finding, living, sharing my truth - might save my life and maybe inspire others. It is literally about life and death. Let the journey begin.

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If you need immediate assistance, though, please call a suicide hotline.

In Denmark this is their number, Livslinjen: 70 201 201. Open 11 – 04.